I miss my baby πŸ‘ΌπŸΎ

So I was having a moment today and I reached for my camera to document it for my YouTube channel, Michelle Clarke TV.

You have all been so supportive that I thought I should share it with you all also.

So here it is…

I miss my baby πŸ‘ΌπŸΎ

A year ago today…

This time last year, we had just made it to the cemetery.

After getting out of the taxi and seeing family, it started to feel real.

My babies cold body lay in her tiny white casket and as I walked towards the hearse, I noticed the plaque on the casket.

Destiny Jayde Clarke, infant of Michelle Clarke.

Nobody informed me that my name would also be on the casket. It made me feel horrible and the tears started to flow.

It felt weird seeing my name on a casket and I just wanted the world to stop so I could get off. I’d had enough!

When I look back now, I suppose it was quite fitting because a piece of me definitely died with Destiny and is certainly buried with her.

I’ll never be the same again.

I repeatedly stroked the tiny casket as if I was stroking my daughter. I wasn’t strong enough to see her little lifeless face in the funeral home but I put my faith in my Mum & sister to pick out something amazing for her to wear.

I was later told that it was probably best that I didn’t see her. She had changed so much after her post-mortem and didn’t look like our Destiny anymore. I’m happy to remember her how she was in those three days we got to spend with her after the delivery.

The funeral was tiny. Tiny for a tiny baby. Destiny wasn’t known by many and she only weighed 320g. I wanted her funeral to represent her. We didn’t want a huge circus. That would make the process longer and I just wanted to bury my child and go home.

A week before her funeral, I didn’t even want to go so you can imagine my pain.

My long, thick mane was the last thing i wanted to be dealing with so I piled it on my head and wore a headscarf.

A year later, I don’t have that problem. Grief & Stress have taken care of that and I am slowly growing my hair back.

So today is the last of the firsts…

Sleep well Princess πŸ’”

Baby Memorial Service 2017

It’s been 8 hours since we attended the baby memorial service in our local area.

As Destiny died in January 2017, this was our first baby memorial service and it was so beautiful. I would have rather not had a reason to attend but I felt so proud to be one of many parents who’s tears fell and who’s hearts was breaking into tiny pieces throughout the service. We all had something in common and it felt comforting. I no longer felt alone in my grief.

During the service, we sung comforting hymns and lit candles for all the babies who’s names were not read out. WE WILL REMEMBER THEM.

We didn’t stay for refreshments. It was too much for me as I felt like I was reliving her funeral all over again.

The pain from the anxiety started to build in my chest and I knew it was time to go.

I turned to my husband for reassurance that this awful pain will someday ease and we’ll just be left with the wonderful memories of the few days that we spent with our angel after her birth in the Willow suite.

Destiny’s big brother slept all the way through the service and her big sister sung the hymns and carefully lit a candle for her baby sister.

We smiled in unison as Destiny’s name was read out. DESTINY JAYDE CLARKE

She will ALWAYS be…

Baby Loss Awareness Week 2017

BabyLossAwareness_web_banner_1000x370-2017-YEAR

Today marks the start of Baby Loss Awareness Week for 2017. I’d always feel sad seeing posts from friends who had lost their babies taking part in the WAVE OF LIGHT on social media. How must they be feeling? This year, I know.

To be honest, I don’t really feel anything at this moment in time but my emotions are up and down each day.

Who said time heals? It gets easier with time? I’m not experiencing this at all. Is this how i’m supposed to feel? That’s just it, for each parent that has lost a child, our feelings are unique. I’m beginning to realise this more and more each day. The worst thing you can do in this situation is compare your grief.

So this month has been difficult. It’s only the 9th October and so far, two people think i’m pregnant because I still have my enlarged stomach. I was heavily pregnant at the start of this year. If you know me, by 3 months pregnant, I always look like 6 months pregnant. I have big babies and I ALWAYS show very early due to this.
Destiny is no longer with us, but if she was, would my enlarged stomach be a topic? I don’t think it would be because people would be thinking, ‘she’s just had a baby’

That’s just it! I did just HAVE A BABY! I’ve been pregnant 3 times and I carried our third baby for 5 months. I gave birth to her on January 2nd 2017. Just because she’s dead, it doesn’t mean that my body shouldn’t look like a woman that has birthed a child this year.

My body went through the worst pain! I wanted to feel it ALL because I knew that she was gone and we couldn’t bring her home.

I am a mother of 3. Do you agree? If a woman has 3 living children and one sadly dies, does she forget all knowledge of that child and just tell people that she only has two children? Would other people tell others that she is a mother of 3 but one sadly died or would they say that she is a mother of 2?

I guess it doesn’t matter who agrees because again, it’s down to the grieving individuals. Some parents don’t wish to see their babies once they have died. Are they wrong? People do what they have to in order to get through a difficult situation.

I brought this topic up in a counselling session last month. My counsellor did happen to agree with me. It doesn’t matter how many memories I was able to make with Destiny. She was here. She was conceived, she died peacefully in my womb, I brought her body into the world and I buried her body. Destiny Jayde Clarke EXISTED and she IS my third child.

I am a proud mother of 3 and this year, we have a REAL angel for our Christmas tree.

L_J_9185_00159192