Who am I?

After losing Destiny, I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

My body looked like that of any other woman who had just given birth but the difference was, I was home without my baby.

I’d sit there day after day just holding onto Glen, not knowing what to do with myself.

Time dragged on and it seem like my world had just stopped. Everything was in slow motion and I hated it!

I wanted to feel normal again and I’d lost count by now of all the times, including hubby, that people had said to me, “Give yourself time Michelle. You have still just had a baby even though she’s not with you. It will take time to recover from the birth and also the miscarriage.”

I was so annoyed with the term LATE MISCARRIAGE. My baby died inside of me and I gave birth to her delicate body and held her. We buried her. HER! A PERSON!!!!

Babies born sleeping before 24 weeks are not entitled to a death certificate.

We have a little card from her blessing in the hospital. That day, the hospital also gave us the chance to have professional photos taken and made into a photo book.

I couldn’t see the sense of me posing with my dead baby at the time which actually made me feel worse but in time, I can finally smile when I look through the book.

It’s beautiful and we will always have our beautiful photo book plus the images on a USB that the hospital also gave to us.

I didn’t realise how serious preeclampsia was. I could have died too!

I feel so blessed to be here as my organs were starting to shut down but I just wish that Destiny was here with us all also. Not just in spirit but to hold and kiss good morning and good night just like I do with Malaika & Jackson.

My arms and legs felt numb, my head was always heavy, my sight wasn’t and still isn’t what it was. I read up on how to grieve as I just didn’t know how.

I couldn’t cry. I was too numb for that. Tears only fell when I thought about her funeral and just the fact that I was pregnant three times but only have two children at home.

I’ve felt anger and every other emotion imaginable.

Throughout all of my anger, I have never asked “Why me?” Why not me? Good things can not happen to us all of the time and I sure have had my fair share of good. This time, I was to receive a devastating blow but through it all, I have found God and I know that my daughter was not meant to be with me here on earth.

I have accepted that.

My heart aches for her and my arms ache for her too but I know she’s in a better place.

Sleep well Princess Destiny xx

No Heartbeat

On December 31st, I was finally allowed home from hospital but I had to stick to my care plan.

Part of my care plan was not just to keep taking various medications but to return regularly to the hospital for checks.

My baby girl had a strong heartbeat and I was now 22 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

Our daughter was so excited to be having a little sister as she’d hoped that her little brother had been a girl.

I felt ill and cold with no appetite so I didn’t see in the new year. I fell asleep in 2016 and woke up in 2017 ready for my hospital appointment.

I’d never had a Sunday appointment before but the hospital were taking no chances with me having preeclampsia and high blood pressure as a cause of the preeclampsia.

I had my blood pressure checked and it was fine. The medication was obviously working.

A member of staff commented on how cute my bump was. It did look cute and not as big as it previously had been. I thought that maybe I was just losing weight due to feeling sick all the time.

I had the all clear to return home but a midwife thought it best to check and see how baby was doing.

I lay back ready to hear Destiny’s heart beat but they couldn’t find one.

Another member of staff was called in but they too couldn’t hear anything so a scan was arranged there and then.

I lay back eagerly awaiting the image of our active and healthy princess but she was still…

Destiny had no heartbeat and had passed away in my womb.

I was in shock and just said “ok” to the staff. “These things happen”

It wasn’t until I saw my husband sliding down the wall in slow motion like something out of a movie that it hit me. Our baby girl had died inside me and I was not going to have her to look forward to in April as we’d all hoped for.

The staff left us alone and took our children to give us time to process our daughters death. The screams from myself and my husband could be heard throughout the ward and we didn’t care.

Life would never be the same again…

HAPPY NEW YEAR 😦

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