I miss my baby πŸ‘ΌπŸΎ

So I was having a moment today and I reached for my camera to document it for my YouTube channel, Michelle Clarke TV.

You have all been so supportive that I thought I should share it with you all also.

So here it is…

I miss my baby πŸ‘ΌπŸΎ

A year ago today…

This time last year, we had just made it to the cemetery.

After getting out of the taxi and seeing family, it started to feel real.

My babies cold body lay in her tiny white casket and as I walked towards the hearse, I noticed the plaque on the casket.

Destiny Jayde Clarke, infant of Michelle Clarke.

Nobody informed me that my name would also be on the casket. It made me feel horrible and the tears started to flow.

It felt weird seeing my name on a casket and I just wanted the world to stop so I could get off. I’d had enough!

When I look back now, I suppose it was quite fitting because a piece of me definitely died with Destiny and is certainly buried with her.

I’ll never be the same again.

I repeatedly stroked the tiny casket as if I was stroking my daughter. I wasn’t strong enough to see her little lifeless face in the funeral home but I put my faith in my Mum & sister to pick out something amazing for her to wear.

I was later told that it was probably best that I didn’t see her. She had changed so much after her post-mortem and didn’t look like our Destiny anymore. I’m happy to remember her how she was in those three days we got to spend with her after the delivery.

The funeral was tiny. Tiny for a tiny baby. Destiny wasn’t known by many and she only weighed 320g. I wanted her funeral to represent her. We didn’t want a huge circus. That would make the process longer and I just wanted to bury my child and go home.

A week before her funeral, I didn’t even want to go so you can imagine my pain.

My long, thick mane was the last thing i wanted to be dealing with so I piled it on my head and wore a headscarf.

A year later, I don’t have that problem. Grief & Stress have taken care of that and I am slowly growing my hair back.

So today is the last of the firsts…

Sleep well Princess πŸ’”

Happy 1st Birthday Destiny πŸ’”

Happy Birthday my youngest Princess πŸ‘ΌπŸΏ

Mummy has no words. Totally heartbroken πŸ’”

Would be a dream to be able to hold you, kiss you & watch you giggle today while eating your birthday cake & playing with your big sister & big brother 😒

Just so tired from grief. I’ve been told it gets better. I pray it does πŸ™πŸΎ

Until we meet again,

Mummy πŸ’•

Christmas without Destiny

We never got to experience a Christmas with Destiny as a physical family member in our home. However, she was tucked away safely in my tummy the Christmas of 2016.

We were so excited for her arrival the following April and had no idea what horrific events were about to unfold in just a matter of days!

A year on and the memories are still so fresh and just as clear.

Christmas 2017 was supposed to be such a happy time. Both mummy & daddy with our three bundles of joy. Instead we sat watching our two living children playing whilst all the time wandering what their interaction with their little sister would have been like.

It’s the wonders, the what ifs, the not knowing that does the damage. My mind is on constant overload.

It wasn’t the Christmas we had hoped for but it was surely one that we’ll never forget.

Our family forever broken, always one missing πŸ’”

Baby Memorial Service 2017

It’s been 8 hours since we attended the baby memorial service in our local area.

As Destiny died in January 2017, this was our first baby memorial service and it was so beautiful. I would have rather not had a reason to attend but I felt so proud to be one of many parents who’s tears fell and who’s hearts was breaking into tiny pieces throughout the service. We all had something in common and it felt comforting. I no longer felt alone in my grief.

During the service, we sung comforting hymns and lit candles for all the babies who’s names were not read out. WE WILL REMEMBER THEM.

We didn’t stay for refreshments. It was too much for me as I felt like I was reliving her funeral all over again.

The pain from the anxiety started to build in my chest and I knew it was time to go.

I turned to my husband for reassurance that this awful pain will someday ease and we’ll just be left with the wonderful memories of the few days that we spent with our angel after her birth in the Willow suite.

Destiny’s big brother slept all the way through the service and her big sister sung the hymns and carefully lit a candle for her baby sister.

We smiled in unison as Destiny’s name was read out. DESTINY JAYDE CLARKE

She will ALWAYS be…

Baby Loss Awareness Week 2017

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Today marks the start of Baby Loss Awareness Week for 2017. I’d always feel sad seeing posts from friends who had lost their babies taking part in the WAVE OF LIGHT on social media. How must they be feeling? This year, I know.

To be honest, I don’t really feel anything at this moment in time but my emotions are up and down each day.

Who said time heals? It gets easier with time? I’m not experiencing this at all. Is this how i’m supposed to feel? That’s just it, for each parent that has lost a child, our feelings are unique. I’m beginning to realise this more and more each day. The worst thing you can do in this situation is compare your grief.

So this month has been difficult. It’s only the 9th October and so far, two people think i’m pregnant because I still have my enlarged stomach. I was heavily pregnant at the start of this year. If you know me, by 3 months pregnant, I always look like 6 months pregnant. I have big babies and I ALWAYS show very early due to this.
Destiny is no longer with us, but if she was, would my enlarged stomach be a topic? I don’t think it would be because people would be thinking, ‘she’s just had a baby’

That’s just it! I did just HAVE A BABY! I’ve been pregnant 3 times and I carried our third baby for 5 months. I gave birth to her on January 2nd 2017. Just because she’s dead, it doesn’t mean that my body shouldn’t look like a woman that has birthed a child this year.

My body went through the worst pain! I wanted to feel it ALL because I knew that she was gone and we couldn’t bring her home.

I am a mother of 3. Do you agree? If a woman has 3 living children and one sadly dies, does she forget all knowledge of that child and just tell people that she only has two children? Would other people tell others that she is a mother of 3 but one sadly died or would they say that she is a mother of 2?

I guess it doesn’t matter who agrees because again, it’s down to the grieving individuals. Some parents don’t wish to see their babies once they have died. Are they wrong? People do what they have to in order to get through a difficult situation.

I brought this topic up in a counselling session last month. My counsellor did happen to agree with me. It doesn’t matter how many memories I was able to make with Destiny. She was here. She was conceived, she died peacefully in my womb, I brought her body into the world and I buried her body. Destiny Jayde Clarke EXISTED and she IS my third child.

I am a proud mother of 3 and this year, we have a REAL angel for our Christmas tree.

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Who am I?

After losing Destiny, I didn’t even know who I was anymore.

My body looked like that of any other woman who had just given birth but the difference was, I was home without my baby.

I’d sit there day after day just holding onto Glen, not knowing what to do with myself.

Time dragged on and it seem like my world had just stopped. Everything was in slow motion and I hated it!

I wanted to feel normal again and I’d lost count by now of all the times, including hubby, that people had said to me, “Give yourself time Michelle. You have still just had a baby even though she’s not with you. It will take time to recover from the birth and also the miscarriage.”

I was so annoyed with the term LATE MISCARRIAGE. My baby died inside of me and I gave birth to her delicate body and held her. We buried her. HER! A PERSON!!!!

Babies born sleeping before 24 weeks are not entitled to a death certificate.

We have a little card from her blessing in the hospital. That day, the hospital also gave us the chance to have professional photos taken and made into a photo book.

I couldn’t see the sense of me posing with my dead baby at the time which actually made me feel worse but in time, I can finally smile when I look through the book.

It’s beautiful and we will always have our beautiful photo book plus the images on a USB that the hospital also gave to us.

I didn’t realise how serious preeclampsia was. I could have died too!

I feel so blessed to be here as my organs were starting to shut down but I just wish that Destiny was here with us all also. Not just in spirit but to hold and kiss good morning and good night just like I do with Malaika & Jackson.

My arms and legs felt numb, my head was always heavy, my sight wasn’t and still isn’t what it was. I read up on how to grieve as I just didn’t know how.

I couldn’t cry. I was too numb for that. Tears only fell when I thought about her funeral and just the fact that I was pregnant three times but only have two children at home.

I’ve felt anger and every other emotion imaginable.

Throughout all of my anger, I have never asked “Why me?” Why not me? Good things can not happen to us all of the time and I sure have had my fair share of good. This time, I was to receive a devastating blow but through it all, I have found God and I know that my daughter was not meant to be with me here on earth.

I have accepted that.

My heart aches for her and my arms ache for her too but I know she’s in a better place.

Sleep well Princess Destiny xx