Destiny is going to be a BIG sister!

Hello everyone.

Wow! It’s been a while since I posted anything on here.

It’s been a very confusing time as I’m sure you can tell from the title. I have had so much to get my head around.

Yes, I am expecting our 4th baby. Destiny is going to be a BIG sister!!!!

I’m so grateful to everyone that has congratulated us and especially those that have congratulated us on baby number 4. That just shows us, that you are not trying to erase Destiny because she is not PHYSICALLY here with us. It really means a lot.

How many months am I?

When am I due?

Obvious questions right?

We have decided not to share this information. Only close friends, close family and our Church family know.

I’m sure that you can imagine how anxious this time has been for us all and as much as we are extremely excited, we’ve had to really pray against doubt and fear.

I can reveal that baby is a girl and she is so loved already.

Her name is all set and has been for the longest time but again, something we are not going to reveal until she is here.

I absolutely love having a ready made shortbread holder though 🙂

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A year ago today…

This time last year, we had just made it to the cemetery.

After getting out of the taxi and seeing family, it started to feel real.

My babies cold body lay in her tiny white casket and as I walked towards the hearse, I noticed the plaque on the casket.

Destiny Jayde Clarke, infant of Michelle Clarke.

Nobody informed me that my name would also be on the casket. It made me feel horrible and the tears started to flow.

It felt weird seeing my name on a casket and I just wanted the world to stop so I could get off. I’d had enough!

When I look back now, I suppose it was quite fitting because a piece of me definitely died with Destiny and is certainly buried with her.

I’ll never be the same again.

I repeatedly stroked the tiny casket as if I was stroking my daughter. I wasn’t strong enough to see her little lifeless face in the funeral home but I put my faith in my Mum & sister to pick out something amazing for her to wear.

I was later told that it was probably best that I didn’t see her. She had changed so much after her post-mortem and didn’t look like our Destiny anymore. I’m happy to remember her how she was in those three days we got to spend with her after the delivery.

The funeral was tiny. Tiny for a tiny baby. Destiny wasn’t known by many and she only weighed 320g. I wanted her funeral to represent her. We didn’t want a huge circus. That would make the process longer and I just wanted to bury my child and go home.

A week before her funeral, I didn’t even want to go so you can imagine my pain.

My long, thick mane was the last thing i wanted to be dealing with so I piled it on my head and wore a headscarf.

A year later, I don’t have that problem. Grief & Stress have taken care of that and I am slowly growing my hair back.

So today is the last of the firsts…

Sleep well Princess 💔

Lonely

This time last year, I was ‘shopping’ for our daughters funeral. I hated every second of it!

The one thing that kept me going was being around others. Visits, cards being sent to the house, Facebook messages, calls, just being thought of.

Unfortuately, things change after the funeral. I’m sure that anyone who has ever lost anyone will agree.

I feel ‘just left’ Thankfully I have God whenever I need Him.

People don’t purposely do this, it’s just life! While you are alive, there’s things to do. People ha e to return to work, their normal day lives but I’m ‘just left’ with the grief, pain, anger, confusion – what great feelings 😔

Amongst all of my negative feelings, I have no choice to keep finding positives. It’s how I keep going.

With Malaika being off school all week, it’s been a struggle. Watching her so weak and tending to her every need when I can just about tend to myself. Oh and you do remember I have a 2 year old right??

Hats off to all the mums with more than two children 💪🏾 This would have been my reality but God knows…

I wake up and each day is a struggle, very little to look forward to and of course, everyone’s opinion…

You need to just ‘get out’

You need to ‘Keep praying’

You need to ‘do what you love’

You need ‘to get exercise’

No, you need to stop offering solutions to what YOU see as a problem.

Try asking me what I need, i’d be happy to tell you but could you deliver?

I’m having a bad day, can you tell?

One of my children is in the cemetery and no suggestions will ever change that.

Help me to live in pain because that’s my reality. I WILL hurt for the rest of my life and only those that have experienced what I’m going through can help.

Everyone who thankfully hasn’t, just be present. You tell me what I need but all I need is YOU.

Happy 1st Birthday Destiny 💔

Happy Birthday my youngest Princess 👼🏿

Mummy has no words. Totally heartbroken 💔

Would be a dream to be able to hold you, kiss you & watch you giggle today while eating your birthday cake & playing with your big sister & big brother 😢

Just so tired from grief. I’ve been told it gets better. I pray it does 🙏🏾

Until we meet again,

Mummy 💕

Christmas without Destiny

We never got to experience a Christmas with Destiny as a physical family member in our home. However, she was tucked away safely in my tummy the Christmas of 2016.

We were so excited for her arrival the following April and had no idea what horrific events were about to unfold in just a matter of days!

A year on and the memories are still so fresh and just as clear.

Christmas 2017 was supposed to be such a happy time. Both mummy & daddy with our three bundles of joy. Instead we sat watching our two living children playing whilst all the time wandering what their interaction with their little sister would have been like.

It’s the wonders, the what ifs, the not knowing that does the damage. My mind is on constant overload.

It wasn’t the Christmas we had hoped for but it was surely one that we’ll never forget.

Our family forever broken, always one missing 💔

Destiny’s Headstone 😍

Hello everyone 👋🏾

What do you think? It’s taken us a while to share but this will be Destiny’s headstone. The picture does not do it justice but it’s going to be gorgeous!!!!!

Shiny black granite with shocking pink writing & decoration such as pink stones & vases.

Slight detail change – next to the little infant holding the teddy at the bottom, will now read SAFE IN THE ARMS OF JESUS.

We are so excited to get it laid down next year!

We are over half way with our target and we thank each and every person who has been kind enough to donate.

Nobody HAS to help us, nobody has to do anything but YOU HAVE & we are TRULY grateful.

We look forward to thanking you all in person…. (keep watch on this blog)

We originally set up a GoFundMe page but have been exhausted with topping up everyone’s donations due to the fees. Instead, we would love any further donations to go straight into the account below ran by myself & Destiny’s Dad.

Details are as follows;

Santander

Mrs M M Clarke

Sort code 09-01-27

Account Number 97280273

God Bless you all 🙏🏾

Baby Memorial Service 2017

It’s been 8 hours since we attended the baby memorial service in our local area.

As Destiny died in January 2017, this was our first baby memorial service and it was so beautiful. I would have rather not had a reason to attend but I felt so proud to be one of many parents who’s tears fell and who’s hearts was breaking into tiny pieces throughout the service. We all had something in common and it felt comforting. I no longer felt alone in my grief.

During the service, we sung comforting hymns and lit candles for all the babies who’s names were not read out. WE WILL REMEMBER THEM.

We didn’t stay for refreshments. It was too much for me as I felt like I was reliving her funeral all over again.

The pain from the anxiety started to build in my chest and I knew it was time to go.

I turned to my husband for reassurance that this awful pain will someday ease and we’ll just be left with the wonderful memories of the few days that we spent with our angel after her birth in the Willow suite.

Destiny’s big brother slept all the way through the service and her big sister sung the hymns and carefully lit a candle for her baby sister.

We smiled in unison as Destiny’s name was read out. DESTINY JAYDE CLARKE

She will ALWAYS be…