10:45pm

On Monday 2nd January, I gave birth to our dead baby girl.

This was the most traumatic experience for any me and I had a pain and sadness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

After realising that our baby had died, I wasn’t even thinking of how we would remove her from my body. I was just in total shock.

Options were given to us and we decided to have her naturally which was also the safest option.

Glenroy slept beside me in a chair and did not leave my side. His strength and support was amazing!

We cried together every time it hit us, what we were actually going through.

The night before, I had the first tablet (can’t remember the name) inserted into me to force on my labour.

On the actual day, I had 2 more which were to be taken orally over a period of hours until I was in established labour.

It felt so surreal to be going through the pain of labour and KNOWING that I had to do this just to bury my baby.

I welcomed the pain as I wanted to feel it. At the time, my pain was medication for the beginnings of my grief and I refused pain medication.

I was only taking gas and air for my whole time in labour until a midwife suggested tramadol at the very end before it was time to push. I took it and hoped for the best..

In the background,  a calming CD played that was brought in by one of my elder sisters.

I was labouring right in front of my husband, my elder sister and my niece and I could see the horror on their faces, the sadness in their eyes.

My screams sounded haunted and I didn’t even recognise myself anymore. I was wailing and gripping onto my husbands hands. I just wanted this nightmare to end.

Shortly after my sister and niece left, our beautiful baby girl, Destiny Jayde Clarke was born in her sack at 10:45pm. I’ll never forget the feeling of her leaving my body. Out of this awful experience, it was the most beautiful feeling.

We had agreed with the midwives beforehand that we did not feel strong enough to see our dead baby and that she must be taken away and then brought back once we had composed ourselves.

Our plans immediately went out of the window once Destiny was born and Glenroy through back my covers and looked down to see his baby girl.

His actions gave me the courage that I needed and I looked down to see her.

She was tiny! 320g to be exact. She was curled into a perfect ball whilst in her sack of liquid and just looked asleep.

Destiny was then taken away to be taken out of her sack and myself and Glenroy sat and picked out a beautiful white silk dress and matching hat for her to be dressed in.

Once Destiny was dressed, she was brought back into us in the tiniest basket I have ever seen. She looked just like Glenroy and we both wept over her.

The shock took hold of me and I couldn’t find the strength to hold my dead baby. Just looking at her was too upsetting. She had died with her eyes open and it was just like she was looking at us.

Glenroy found his strength and held his daughter whilst in the basket. He looked at every inch of her and I just watched in complete shock. My tears kept flowing and I just felt helpless. Our daughter was dead and there was nothing we could do about it.

With those thoughts, I found the strength to hold my baby girl in her basket as I knew that now, I had to hold her as much as I could as she wouldn’t be coming home with us to laugh, sleep, eat and grow before our eyes just like Malaika and Jackson did.

I held her close and I spoke to her and told her that I loved her and that she was safe.

Hours passed and we grew tired. The grief made us tired in a way that we’d never experienced and we called for the midwife to take Destiny for the night. She was just in the room next to us.

After many tears, we decided to get some sleep.

 

No Heartbeat

On December 31st, I was finally allowed home from hospital but I had to stick to my care plan.

Part of my care plan was not just to keep taking various medications but to return regularly to the hospital for checks.

My baby girl had a strong heartbeat and I was now 22 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

Our daughter was so excited to be having a little sister as she’d hoped that her little brother had been a girl.

I felt ill and cold with no appetite so I didn’t see in the new year. I fell asleep in 2016 and woke up in 2017 ready for my hospital appointment.

I’d never had a Sunday appointment before but the hospital were taking no chances with me having preeclampsia and high blood pressure as a cause of the preeclampsia.

I had my blood pressure checked and it was fine. The medication was obviously working.

A member of staff commented on how cute my bump was. It did look cute and not as big as it previously had been. I thought that maybe I was just losing weight due to feeling sick all the time.

I had the all clear to return home but a midwife thought it best to check and see how baby was doing.

I lay back ready to hear Destiny’s heart beat but they couldn’t find one.

Another member of staff was called in but they too couldn’t hear anything so a scan was arranged there and then.

I lay back eagerly awaiting the image of our active and healthy princess but she was still…

Destiny had no heartbeat and had passed away in my womb.

I was in shock and just said “ok” to the staff. “These things happen”

It wasn’t until I saw my husband sliding down the wall in slow motion like something out of a movie that it hit me. Our baby girl had died inside me and I was not going to have her to look forward to in April as we’d all hoped for.

The staff left us alone and took our children to give us time to process our daughters death. The screams from myself and my husband could be heard throughout the ward and we didn’t care.

Life would never be the same again…

HAPPY NEW YEAR 😦

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