Lonely

This time last year, I was ‘shopping’ for our daughters funeral. I hated every second of it!

The one thing that kept me going was being around others. Visits, cards being sent to the house, Facebook messages, calls, just being thought of.

Unfortuately, things change after the funeral. I’m sure that anyone who has ever lost anyone will agree.

I feel ‘just left’ Thankfully I have God whenever I need Him.

People don’t purposely do this, it’s just life! While you are alive, there’s things to do. People ha e to return to work, their normal day lives but I’m ‘just left’ with the grief, pain, anger, confusion – what great feelings 😔

Amongst all of my negative feelings, I have no choice to keep finding positives. It’s how I keep going.

With Malaika being off school all week, it’s been a struggle. Watching her so weak and tending to her every need when I can just about tend to myself. Oh and you do remember I have a 2 year old right??

Hats off to all the mums with more than two children 💪🏾 This would have been my reality but God knows…

I wake up and each day is a struggle, very little to look forward to and of course, everyone’s opinion…

You need to just ‘get out’

You need to ‘Keep praying’

You need to ‘do what you love’

You need ‘to get exercise’

No, you need to stop offering solutions to what YOU see as a problem.

Try asking me what I need, i’d be happy to tell you but could you deliver?

I’m having a bad day, can you tell?

One of my children is in the cemetery and no suggestions will ever change that.

Help me to live in pain because that’s my reality. I WILL hurt for the rest of my life and only those that have experienced what I’m going through can help.

Everyone who thankfully hasn’t, just be present. You tell me what I need but all I need is YOU.

Happy 1st Birthday Destiny 💔

Happy Birthday my youngest Princess 👼🏿

Mummy has no words. Totally heartbroken 💔

Would be a dream to be able to hold you, kiss you & watch you giggle today while eating your birthday cake & playing with your big sister & big brother 😢

Just so tired from grief. I’ve been told it gets better. I pray it does 🙏🏾

Until we meet again,

Mummy 💕

Christmas without Destiny

We never got to experience a Christmas with Destiny as a physical family member in our home. However, she was tucked away safely in my tummy the Christmas of 2016.

We were so excited for her arrival the following April and had no idea what horrific events were about to unfold in just a matter of days!

A year on and the memories are still so fresh and just as clear.

Christmas 2017 was supposed to be such a happy time. Both mummy & daddy with our three bundles of joy. Instead we sat watching our two living children playing whilst all the time wandering what their interaction with their little sister would have been like.

It’s the wonders, the what ifs, the not knowing that does the damage. My mind is on constant overload.

It wasn’t the Christmas we had hoped for but it was surely one that we’ll never forget.

Our family forever broken, always one missing 💔

Destiny’s Headstone 😍

Hello everyone 👋🏾

What do you think? It’s taken us a while to share but this will be Destiny’s headstone. The picture does not do it justice but it’s going to be gorgeous!!!!!

Shiny black granite with shocking pink writing & decoration such as pink stones & vases.

Slight detail change – next to the little infant holding the teddy at the bottom, will now read SAFE IN THE ARMS OF JESUS.

We are so excited to get it laid down next year!

We are over half way with our target and we thank each and every person who has been kind enough to donate.

Nobody HAS to help us, nobody has to do anything but YOU HAVE & we are TRULY grateful.

We look forward to thanking you all in person…. (keep watch on this blog)

We originally set up a GoFundMe page but have been exhausted with topping up everyone’s donations due to the fees. Instead, we would love any further donations to go straight into the account below ran by myself & Destiny’s Dad.

Details are as follows;

Santander

Mrs M M Clarke

Sort code 09-01-27

Account Number 97280273

God Bless you all 🙏🏾

Baby Memorial Service 2017

It’s been 8 hours since we attended the baby memorial service in our local area.

As Destiny died in January 2017, this was our first baby memorial service and it was so beautiful. I would have rather not had a reason to attend but I felt so proud to be one of many parents who’s tears fell and who’s hearts was breaking into tiny pieces throughout the service. We all had something in common and it felt comforting. I no longer felt alone in my grief.

During the service, we sung comforting hymns and lit candles for all the babies who’s names were not read out. WE WILL REMEMBER THEM.

We didn’t stay for refreshments. It was too much for me as I felt like I was reliving her funeral all over again.

The pain from the anxiety started to build in my chest and I knew it was time to go.

I turned to my husband for reassurance that this awful pain will someday ease and we’ll just be left with the wonderful memories of the few days that we spent with our angel after her birth in the Willow suite.

Destiny’s big brother slept all the way through the service and her big sister sung the hymns and carefully lit a candle for her baby sister.

We smiled in unison as Destiny’s name was read out. DESTINY JAYDE CLARKE

She will ALWAYS be…

Baby Loss Awareness Week 2017

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Today marks the start of Baby Loss Awareness Week for 2017. I’d always feel sad seeing posts from friends who had lost their babies taking part in the WAVE OF LIGHT on social media. How must they be feeling? This year, I know.

To be honest, I don’t really feel anything at this moment in time but my emotions are up and down each day.

Who said time heals? It gets easier with time? I’m not experiencing this at all. Is this how i’m supposed to feel? That’s just it, for each parent that has lost a child, our feelings are unique. I’m beginning to realise this more and more each day. The worst thing you can do in this situation is compare your grief.

So this month has been difficult. It’s only the 9th October and so far, two people think i’m pregnant because I still have my enlarged stomach. I was heavily pregnant at the start of this year. If you know me, by 3 months pregnant, I always look like 6 months pregnant. I have big babies and I ALWAYS show very early due to this.
Destiny is no longer with us, but if she was, would my enlarged stomach be a topic? I don’t think it would be because people would be thinking, ‘she’s just had a baby’

That’s just it! I did just HAVE A BABY! I’ve been pregnant 3 times and I carried our third baby for 5 months. I gave birth to her on January 2nd 2017. Just because she’s dead, it doesn’t mean that my body shouldn’t look like a woman that has birthed a child this year.

My body went through the worst pain! I wanted to feel it ALL because I knew that she was gone and we couldn’t bring her home.

I am a mother of 3. Do you agree? If a woman has 3 living children and one sadly dies, does she forget all knowledge of that child and just tell people that she only has two children? Would other people tell others that she is a mother of 3 but one sadly died or would they say that she is a mother of 2?

I guess it doesn’t matter who agrees because again, it’s down to the grieving individuals. Some parents don’t wish to see their babies once they have died. Are they wrong? People do what they have to in order to get through a difficult situation.

I brought this topic up in a counselling session last month. My counsellor did happen to agree with me. It doesn’t matter how many memories I was able to make with Destiny. She was here. She was conceived, she died peacefully in my womb, I brought her body into the world and I buried her body. Destiny Jayde Clarke EXISTED and she IS my third child.

I am a proud mother of 3 and this year, we have a REAL angel for our Christmas tree.

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Dancing 4 Destiny Fundraiser

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Dancing 4 Destiny was a success!!!! The burgers and hot dogs were the first to sell out and the stall holders were selling and offering amazing products!

The raffle went down a treat and the children loved the ‘guess how many sweets in the jar’ game!

The talent was amazing! Mostly dancers but also an amazing gospel singing group.

It wasn’t the biggest turn out and to be honest, I feel that my own community of All saints could have supported the event much more but we are extremely grateful to ALL who supported the event in all ways possible.

We managed to raise a whopping £513.47 at the event alone! We were so emotional, touched by everyone’s support and kindness.

To date, we have now raised a magnificent £1,463.00! Only £1,137 to go!!!!

Our darling Destiny will soon have the beautiful headstone that she deserves and it’s all down to the kindness of so many people who have been supporting us via our gofundme page from the beginning!

If you would like to donate, please click on the link below. We send a personal thank you for each donation. We can not thank you enough!

The Clarke Family xxx

 

PLEASE click here to donate.