Dancing 4 Destiny (Year 2)

Hi everyone!

 

It’s been a while since my last post but I have been so busy with my other blog, click here and just work in general, family etc.

I am so excited as the last Saturday in July is our Dancing 4 Destinyevent and this year, it’s going to be bigger and better!!!!

Last year was the beginning of our vision and the event was just to help raise money for Destiny’s headstone.

This year and every year onwards, we will be raising money soley for Sands!

Myself and Glenroy are now official fundraisers for the stillbirth and neonatal death charity and we were so excited to receieve our fundraiser pack two months ago.

Dancing 4 Destiny Flyer

 

It’s really happened!!!!!

We aim to help as many people as we can by supporting this fantastic charity! We are aiming to raise £400 at this event and we have over £100 so far!!!!

If you would like to donate, please do so here Our Justgiving page

If you are local to Wolverhampton, please come and support this event!!!!

The more money we raise, the more babies lives we can save!

Don’t forget to like our Facebook page Our Facebook Page

Please share our event with your friends and family Dancing 4 Destiny Event

 

Michelle xx

 

I miss my baby 👼🏾

So I was having a moment today and I reached for my camera to document it for my YouTube channel, Michelle Clarke TV.

You have all been so supportive that I thought I should share it with you all also.

So here it is…

I miss my baby 👼🏾

God didn’t take my baby!

I’m sharing this with you just seconds after having a conversation with a wonderful woman who works for Revelation TV.

I shared my testimony with her & it again highlighted just how wonderful God is 🙌🏾

I told her about my blog and she said it was important that I know that God didn’t take my baby. I know this as God isn’t capable of such EVIL!

The Devil comes to steal our joy but if we trust in the Lord, HE turns everything around that the devil meant for harm and makes it good.

Destiny is happy, I WILL see her again. She is with Jesus and in no pain. How can I not be happy about that?

Of course I miss her & yes, my tears still flow but not as much now because this world is full of evil that she will never have to experience.

Losing Destiny made me lose myself. I was in so much shock and lost faith in this cruel world. The only way I could survive and get through my grief was to turn to Christ. Jesus saved me 🙏🏾

So that’s what I mean, I HAD to lose my Destiny (my daughter) to find my destiny (Gods purpose for my life)

My path has never been clearer, this is what happens when you trust in Jesus. I’m finally seeing bit by bit who God created me to be.

I will continue to trust in the Lord 🙏🏾

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

Proverbs 3:5 KJV

A year ago today…

This time last year, we had just made it to the cemetery.

After getting out of the taxi and seeing family, it started to feel real.

My babies cold body lay in her tiny white casket and as I walked towards the hearse, I noticed the plaque on the casket.

Destiny Jayde Clarke, infant of Michelle Clarke.

Nobody informed me that my name would also be on the casket. It made me feel horrible and the tears started to flow.

It felt weird seeing my name on a casket and I just wanted the world to stop so I could get off. I’d had enough!

When I look back now, I suppose it was quite fitting because a piece of me definitely died with Destiny and is certainly buried with her.

I’ll never be the same again.

I repeatedly stroked the tiny casket as if I was stroking my daughter. I wasn’t strong enough to see her little lifeless face in the funeral home but I put my faith in my Mum & sister to pick out something amazing for her to wear.

I was later told that it was probably best that I didn’t see her. She had changed so much after her post-mortem and didn’t look like our Destiny anymore. I’m happy to remember her how she was in those three days we got to spend with her after the delivery.

The funeral was tiny. Tiny for a tiny baby. Destiny wasn’t known by many and she only weighed 320g. I wanted her funeral to represent her. We didn’t want a huge circus. That would make the process longer and I just wanted to bury my child and go home.

A week before her funeral, I didn’t even want to go so you can imagine my pain.

My long, thick mane was the last thing i wanted to be dealing with so I piled it on my head and wore a headscarf.

A year later, I don’t have that problem. Grief & Stress have taken care of that and I am slowly growing my hair back.

So today is the last of the firsts…

Sleep well Princess 💔

Lonely

This time last year, I was ‘shopping’ for our daughters funeral. I hated every second of it!

The one thing that kept me going was being around others. Visits, cards being sent to the house, Facebook messages, calls, just being thought of.

Unfortuately, things change after the funeral. I’m sure that anyone who has ever lost anyone will agree.

I feel ‘just left’ Thankfully I have God whenever I need Him.

People don’t purposely do this, it’s just life! While you are alive, there’s things to do. People ha e to return to work, their normal day lives but I’m ‘just left’ with the grief, pain, anger, confusion – what great feelings 😔

Amongst all of my negative feelings, I have no choice to keep finding positives. It’s how I keep going.

With Malaika being off school all week, it’s been a struggle. Watching her so weak and tending to her every need when I can just about tend to myself. Oh and you do remember I have a 2 year old right??

Hats off to all the mums with more than two children 💪🏾 This would have been my reality but God knows…

I wake up and each day is a struggle, very little to look forward to and of course, everyone’s opinion…

You need to just ‘get out’

You need to ‘Keep praying’

You need to ‘do what you love’

You need ‘to get exercise’

No, you need to stop offering solutions to what YOU see as a problem.

Try asking me what I need, i’d be happy to tell you but could you deliver?

I’m having a bad day, can you tell?

One of my children is in the cemetery and no suggestions will ever change that.

Help me to live in pain because that’s my reality. I WILL hurt for the rest of my life and only those that have experienced what I’m going through can help.

Everyone who thankfully hasn’t, just be present. You tell me what I need but all I need is YOU.

Happy 1st Birthday Destiny 💔

Happy Birthday my youngest Princess 👼🏿

Mummy has no words. Totally heartbroken 💔

Would be a dream to be able to hold you, kiss you & watch you giggle today while eating your birthday cake & playing with your big sister & big brother 😢

Just so tired from grief. I’ve been told it gets better. I pray it does 🙏🏾

Until we meet again,

Mummy 💕

Christmas without Destiny

We never got to experience a Christmas with Destiny as a physical family member in our home. However, she was tucked away safely in my tummy the Christmas of 2016.

We were so excited for her arrival the following April and had no idea what horrific events were about to unfold in just a matter of days!

A year on and the memories are still so fresh and just as clear.

Christmas 2017 was supposed to be such a happy time. Both mummy & daddy with our three bundles of joy. Instead we sat watching our two living children playing whilst all the time wandering what their interaction with their little sister would have been like.

It’s the wonders, the what ifs, the not knowing that does the damage. My mind is on constant overload.

It wasn’t the Christmas we had hoped for but it was surely one that we’ll never forget.

Our family forever broken, always one missing 💔